


full monty dwarf style

by lunawolf8074



Series: dwarf shorts [3]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Strippers, dwarves dancing, fili/kili are not always the sharpest tools in a shed, sneaky durins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-25 08:27:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4953370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunawolf8074/pseuds/lunawolf8074
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili and kili think they have found a way to help their uncle get money for the quest of retaking back Erebor....some friends decide to help. this adventure has hilarious outcome.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the plan

A/N: smalls are old fashioned underwear.

The sun was setting upon Ered Luin as people were making thier way back home wherever they worked. From a tavern laughter could be heard each time the doors opened allowing a new or past patron through them. Sitting at the bar drinking ales was Fili and Kili Durin, FUTURE princes of Erebor. It had been a long day working at the forges today...they both decided an ale was order before heading home to their mother, who was making dinner for when they arrive home. Fili sighed heavily..lost in thought and worry..not really touching his ale before him.

"Kili...what are we going to do?" Fili groaned out at his brother. "Uncle is getting to be down right unbearable this week. Hes been worrying over this trip hes taking us on. Going on and on about "Not enough GOLD!"" Filis tone mimicked Thorins perfectly, then he ran a hand down his face in frustration. Kili just sighed heavily back..no words needed..he understood what his brother was saying. As they both were sitting there Kili noticed some tavern workers were setting up a stage at one end of the tavern...peaking Kilis curiosity, so he turned to the bar keep to find out.

"Whats going on over there?" watching the man cleaning a mug as he answered Kilis question.

"Oh ..its just the Chippydells are in town tonight and we are hosting them here." he saw the look of confusion on the young darrows faces. " You know...Chippydells..theyre a dance troupe that strips for money." he could see that neither dwarf believed him and it was CONFIRMED by Filis remark.

"You mean people pay to see men strip?Why not just go home to watch their husbands do that? Its FREE then," the man just laughed at him.

" Well I guess women want to see something else other than what they can get at home." Fili snorted at such an odd notion, but Kili was intrigued.

"How much do they get for that?" an idea was forming in the dark haired princes mind as the barman scratched his chin..thinking.

"Well...lets see..its 5 GOLD entrance fee...beyond that im really not sure, but its gotta be good cause while these men are dancing, the women are stuffing coins down the dancers smalls or in jars that are situated upon the tables...and those jars fill up pretty fast after each man has done his bit." now Fili was curious too.

"I take it theres alot of women who come to this?" he heard the man chuckle.

"Aye.I get roughly 50-100 women for this kind of entertainment. It makes a really good night for me. " another customer called his attention at that moment as they both turned to look at each other.

"Kili?" "Fili?" they said in unison..then they both smiled..having the same idea at the same time.

"I think we found a way to help uncle get his funding for this adventure." Fili nodded in agreement with Kili. " Just think brother..5 gold per person times 50..thats 250 gold, bare minimum...if its more than 50 were looking at..at..."Kili stumbled at the number.

"500 gold." Fili could not stop his excitement at the mention of all that gold. Their thoughts were interrupted by a drunk woman sitting close to them at the bar as she laughed at what she heard them saying.

"So, yeh boys thinking yeh can do it?" she laughed drunkenly at them." Good luck. Word of advice lads..the more clothes you take off..the more gold comes yur way. Heck ..I would be willin to pay twice that if a man is willin teh go the Full Monty." she laughed harder..almost falling out of her chair then walked away..leaving them to ponder her words. Slowly Kili turned to look at his brother..the gears of his mind really churning now.

"Fili..di she say double the gold?" Fili nodded..just as stunned as the younger." Oh Mahal..thats...thats...1000 gold." the last word was said in a whisper. Filis eyes were wide at the prospect of such earnings..then his brows furrowed.

"Wonder what a Full Monty is?" Fili tried to think hard...but clueless about it.

"I dont know.Lets go ask Nori..he would know probaly." with that they both left the tavern to go and find their thief friend...which the friendship was a secret of course. Uncle Thorin or mister Dwalin wouldnt like it if the princes associated with someone with such a shady past.

They found him at his house watching over his younger brother Ori, who wasnt that much older than the princes. It took them a bit to explain their idea to him..after the mention of gold Nori became very interested..that is until Ori walked in announcing how he wanted in. There was a brief argument between the two brothers but eventually Ori won...only after the threat of telling a certain older brother , Dori...after that it was quickly settled. Kili finally asked about the only uncertain part of this venture of theirs and Nori almost died laughing at thier faces when they found out.

"Nori...whats a Full Monty?" Nori sputtered and laughed so hard tears poured down his face but then he got his bearings.

"Well lads...thats when you take off all your clothes..you go all the way." all three of the youngsters stared at him in shock...Ori recovered first.

"Makes sense. Im still in." noticing three pairs of eyes focused upon him in surprise irritated him and made him a bit defensive." What? You think just cause im a bookworm that I dont got the stones for it?" seeing they indignation on Oris face they quickly banished that thought from themselves...even though that was what they were thinking...and shook their heads in denial to appease him.

It took several days of careful planning and getting the dancers together..especially since they had to do it in secret so certain uncles or brothers didnt find out..but they finally got the group set. They even settled on a name that wouldnt reveal who they were till the last moment..The Rough Darrows. In this group was none other than Fili, Kili, Nori, Ori, Bofur and surprise of surprises Bombur who showed such grace and coordination.. better than his brother Bofur. Nori had a friend who made risque clothes and she supplied the garments for this..on one conditionthough, she wanted a signed autograph from each of the dancers...anywhere she wanted it. It was agreed by all, so now they were outfitted properly. All that they lacked was a moment when Thorin was away on a business trip, then they could do this..that day finally came one early spring morning.

Thorin had just ridden out of Ered Luin with mister Dwalin at his side, to do some work one last time before they had to leave for their quest in retaking Erebor. They were heading over to some town a days ride from theirs to do some labor work...hopefully earn enough gold that they wouldnt have to ask from their cousin Dain, Iron Hills king. Fili and Kili smiled with those reassuring smiles of theirs, telling the men to not worry, everything would be fine here at home and that they would see the two men when they get back. The two princes waved goodbye to the retreating riders and as soon as they were out of sight they bumped fists camaraderie, smiling michieviously as they left to gather the group. It was perfect..uncle Thorin and Dwalin were gone for a month..their mother was leaving in 2 weeks for 2 weeks soon...it was the perfect time to put their plan into action. Nori would hand out the flyers..sending out by both paper and word of mouth to his associates that a dance group was going to perform in 3 weeks time.

~ Come see the Rough Darrows perform the Full Monty...Here In Ered Luin For Your Pleasure!~could be heard all over townfor the next two weeks. At one point Fili and Kili began to sweat because their momma Dis asked them if they knew anything about this group coming to town..after all it was going to be in the very tavern that they frequented on a regular basis..they pretended to not know anything. "Come on momma...as if we keep up with something like that. Not interested in a bunch of guys shaking their willies at a bunch of women." Fili said over breakfast one morning. She got up from the table appeased with that answer..not seeing Kili giving him the thumbs up for good job.

That night finally arrived..the big night they had all practiced hours so hard for. It was perfect weather..no rain in the sky to keep patrons away..not to hot or to cold...just perfect. Inside the tavern the men gathered...getting ready for thier big debut tonight.

"I look to good in this..wow..can you believe all this awesomeness here?" Kili came out of the dressing room strutting in the outfit he had just put on...flexing his muscles as he looked at himself in the mirror on the wall..the others rolled their eyes at him preening there. They all knew they looked super hot there in the clothes Nori had gotten them..even their smalls were custemed made for this night.

"Shut up git..we all look good. So stop preening you bird and come help me with my hair, please." Fili knew Kili wouldnt be insulted by what he said. As Kili came over to help braid Filis hair into perfect plaits he commented over at Bofur about his brother Bombur, who seemed to be the only one missing.

"Wheres Bombur? Hes going to miss going on if he doesnt arrive soon." Bofur shook his head in sadness as he adjusted his hat better on his head.

" Hes not comin. To embarrassed about his size..doesnt think any woman will come teh see him dancin out there." they all shook their heads, but they knew they couldnt stop after they had come this far..so they just kept preparing themselves...the show must go on.

*********************************************************************

Across town in a home a dwarf woman was screeching at the top of her lungs.

"Where did these come from? Whose are they? Is there something you wanna say?" Bombur was watching his beautiful wife, Baibre screaming at him in outrage...holding a piece of cloth in her fist..shaking it at him in her anger. It wasnt till she stopped her shrieking and tears began to fall down her cheeks before he could speak a word.

"My love..I.." he couldnt form the words as he stood there staring at Baibree..not really knowing how to tell her...it wasnt until her heart broken whispered words echoed throught he room, breaking him into pieces at what he had done to his love.

"Please..just tell me who she is. I deserve that." her head hung low as tears fell from her eyes..believing he had found another woman to warm his bed..no longer wanting her any more. Bombur broke down and told her the secret..what he had been doing this past few months...all of it, then after he was done he turned away...not wanting to her face if she was disgusted by all that he said.

"I cant do it...who would want to see all of this up there on that stage?" his voice was hoarse as he spoke. She took him by surprise as she came around...gently grabbing both sides of his beard to pull his head down to hers...touching foreheads as she gazed intensely into his eyes...her voice was strong as she spoke.

"I would. I would love to see all of this.." she gestured with one of her hands at him." ...dancing for me. I would pay 10 times over to see all of this. That would be the greatest honor...seeing my husband dancing for me..dancing for his wife who loves him with all her heart. Men glus alfan kaglem menu lyvv tess glus ( your the morning rain that brings me to life every morning)." the look in Baibres eyes was all he needed to see to give him the confidence to do this.

"Alright..Ill do it. My sanghiveshel (my perfect treasure)." he quickly stole a kiss from her lips then tore out of their home, heading for the tavern to get ready. Baibre chuckled as she followed him..knowing where her place was this night..up front near the stage, so her gorgeously rotund husband could see her as he danced..all for her.

****************************************************

ANOTHER HOME ACROSS TOWN

Dis was sitting in her chair..alternating between anger and laughter. She just found out her sons were dancing tonight for MONEY and she didnt know what to do. They had lied to her of all people...on one hand she couldnt blame them...strip dancing...if it was her she wouldnt want her parents to find out either...but really. It was getting later in the evening..almost time for it to start..or to be stopped. Suddenly she decided as she rushed out of the house.

**********************************************

OUTSIDEOF TOWN ON THE ROAD...A BIT LATER

Two horses were galloping hard across the land in the dark..praying to not stumble because of the two hard headed, obstinate furious dwarves upon their backs.

"Im going to beat those two when I get a hold of them. Hurry Dwalin, we cant let them disgrace the line of Durin." Thorin growled out to the other rider.

"Aye. What are they thinking?" the bald dwarfs growl was just as fierce as they spurred their mounts on. They had found out earlier today about what the two princes were doing back home from a certain dwarf...who felt Thorin needed to know what his nephews had been up to. He knew he had to stop this before it happened..he spurred the mount faster..praying to make it on time.


	2. shake it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is by the chipmunks-shake your groove thing

TAVERN..SHOWTIME?

It was time to start..everyone was gathered finally...even Bombur to Bofurs joy, made it and was ready now. The lanterns throughout the tavern were lit..there was a loud roar of excitement from the main part that could be heard in the back room where the men waited for their cue to ENTER. Shortly ago..before Bombur had appeared...Kili sneaked a peak at the crowd that was gathered out front and when he came back he was cheerfully stunned. He kept mouthing ~its packed...over 100...oh by Mahal its packed~ Now the roar was getting louder...turning into a unified chant * DARROWS, DARROWS, DARROWS*. Their cue..taking a deep breath they stepped to the door that led onto the stage ..waiting for the announcement.

"Now Here Tonight...For YOUR Viewing Pleasure...the Rough Darrows...Performing .. the Full Monty!" on that note they STEPPED through the door onto the stage as the crowd roared louder in excitement.

There upon the stage stood the Durin princes, the Ri brothers, and the Ur brothers...wearing pure white shirts that was only laced halfway, showing some chest to tease the eyes...grey/black kilts that came to the knees showing bit of leg and black boots that barely covered their calves..looking like every womans fantasy come true. Before the crowd could fully REGISTER that the Durin princes were the ones performing for them...the music began and every womans eyes were fixated on that stage.

{Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah}

{show em how you do it now}

The six men began to shake their bodies to the tune and tempo..warming up the FLOOR for the hottest thing to hit Ered Luin in a while.

{shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah}

{show em how you do it now}

{lets show the world we can dance (dance)}

{bad enough to strut our stuff}

{the music gives us a chance (chance)}

{we do more out on the FLOOR}

They strutted upon that stage, moving around each other as they looked at the crowd..then high fiveing as they passed one another ..then swiveling in place.

{groovin loose or heart to heart}

They swiftly grabbed the edge of their shirts to flutter in time of a heartbeat..then stamping a boot to the ground as they tore their shirt off...flexing their chest muscles..making many a womans heart speed up at the sight of those gloriously bared chests before them.

{we put in motion every single part}

{funky sounds wall to wall}

{were bumpin bodies. havin us a ball, yall}

They thumped their fists to those hard hairy chests...then thrust those same fists into the air...flexing briefly those muscled arms of theirs..then shaking their bodies once more..gyrating hips in perfect time with the music.

{shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah}

{show em how you do it now}

{shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah}

{show em how you do it now}

Suddenly they reached down to take the bottom edge of the kilt in hand..easing it up slowly...revealing muscled thighs in a peep show, only to at the last moment stopping before anything is really shown..giving the crowd a smirk and wink before dropping the edge.

{do it now, shake it down}

{shake your body all around}

{do it now, upside down}

{come on yall, lets show them how}

The men began to stomp their feet, thrusting their hips and snapping fingers as they pumped their arms up and down all while bobbing their heads in time with the music...really feeling the music inside..spurring them on to greater acts of sensual heights.

{we got the rhythm tonight(tonight)}

{all the rest know , were the best}

{so shadows flashing in the light (yeah)}

{twistin , turnin, we keep burnin}

Smiling seductively at the crowd, they ran their hands down their chests...licking their lips..turning around to place their backs to the crowd...dipping down in a crouch to roll-up , popping their butts outwards and upwards in a rolling motion...then spinning on heels to face foreward once again.

{shake it high, shake it low}

{we take our bodies, where they wanna go}

{feel the beat, never stop}

{oh, hold me tight, spin me like a top}

Once again they start stomping their feet, thrusting hips as they snapped fingers...pumping arms up and down..bobbing heads in time with the beat...really getting into the music.

{shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah}

{show em how you do it now}

{shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah}

{show em how you do it now}

Suddenly they turned their backs to the crowd...looking over the shoulder, smirking at the flushed faced women shouting out there...as one arm reached behind them to unsnap an inner button and the other arm reached across the front waist to unsnap the other latch holding the kilt closed...their mischievous smiles igniting the crowd into a frenzy. Bombur gave a wink to his wife who was standing up by the stage...giving her shivers at the sight of her beloved dancing so erotically just for her..ideas forming a repeat performance later on in private.

{Do it now, shake it down}

{ shake your body all around}

{do it now, upside down}

{come on yall, lets show them how}

Slowly...teasing the crowd...they begin to unwrap the kilts, keeping their backs to the women..then shaking their backsides back and forth, keeping the cloth in concealing what laid underneath...giving a playful wink and blowing a kiss to the flustered women. None of them knowing as they were stripping there...Thorin was making his way through the crowd with Dwalin by his side...finding themselves unable to make it for it was to crowded with women clamoring to see more skin.

{theres nothing more (nothing more)}

{that id like to do (like to do)}

{than take the floor (take the floor)}

{and dance with you}

{{keep dancin, lets keep dancin}

{lets keep dancin}

{shake your groove thing}

{Fili, Kili, Bombur,Bofur, Nori,Ori}

Just when the two men realized they would not make it another inch to stop this, suddenly the names of the dancers were shouted out as the six men spun around , whipping off their kilt...revealing black smalls that had silver thread woven in so as to catch the light from the lanterns as they danced. In that moment Thorin realized it was to late...there was no way he could save the dignity of the Durin line and he bowed his head, pinching the small of his nose in defeat. Dwalin crossed his arms across his chest watching the princes dance and a smile forced its way onto his face. He couldnt help leaning over to nudge Thorins shoulder with his as he rumbled out.

"Hey Thorin. Look there, its your heir. Oh and look over there...its your other heir. Aint you so proud of your line. I feel safer already, knowing they will be my leaders one day." he laughed as Thorin glared at his cousin. Then looking up towards the stage he watched as the group began snapping their fingers...pumping arms up and down, while thrusting hips and stomping feet...then suddenly they smiled and ripped their smalls from their bodies and everyone saw what Mahal had blessed them all with. The moment Ori removed his there was a gasp and then a greater cheer all around...it seemed Mahal blessed the shy bookworm more than the others. Finally Thorin sighed heavily as he watched them...then a small smile found its way to his lips as he turned to remark to Dwalin.

"Well , I can find some comfort that at least im not the one going to have to face the wrath of my sister Dis..unlike those.." his words were stilled as he heard a familiar shriek off to his side.

"Thats my boys! Whoooo!" a look of disbelief crossed his face as he slowly turned...seeing his sister of all people...cheering them on up there on the stage. Thorin gave her a look that said "traitor"..she never saw it.

{shake it}

{shake it}

{shake it}

As the song ended the dancers were breathing hard...basking in the glow of their achievement...smiling hugely. Fili and Kili reached out to grasp their hand together...smiling in triumph..then suddenly they heard it, over the cheering crowd.

"Thats my boys! Whooo-hooo!" Fili could see Kili turning his head to look...Fili shook his head, telling him ~dont do it bro...dont look.~ but it was to late..Kili did look and horror was all over his face. In that moment neither was sure if the GOLD was truly worth it...the mental scarring of knowing YOUR mother watched you shake your groove thing at her..unknowingly of course..but it didnt change the fact that you did it.

A/N: I had this thought..you know later after Erebor was reclaimed ...this scene may have transpired.

Fili or Kili is about to make love to the woman he loves..shes ready for him and this is the conversation she witnesses.

Hes standing at the foot of the BED..."Come on little buddy...you can do it..go north...dont hang your head..come on north."

{little buddy} "No way man...you shook me at your momma..are you nuts!"

{his two close pals} " Hey! Were just as scarred as you..he shook us at her too!"


End file.
